Exploring Dominance and Submission: A Guide to Safe and Fun Play

So, you’ve heard whispers about this thing called “D/s play,” and you’re curious, right? You may have seen it in movies, read about it in books, or stumbled across it online. “Fifty Shades of Grey,” anyone?

Dominant/submissive sex, or D/s for short, is a type of play that can be as simple or elaborate as you and your partner want. In this type of play, one person takes the dominant role (Dominant), and the other takes the submissive role (Submissive). This power exchange can add excitement, build trust, and deepen your connection. 

 It can range from mild activities like light teasing and playful commands to more intense practices like bondage and impact play. The key is that everything is consensual, discussed in advance, and meant to be enjoyable for both parties. But first, let’s debunk some myths.

Myths About Dominant and Submissive Sex

Before diving deeper, let’s clear up some common myths about D/s sex:

Myth: D/s is All About Pain

Truth: While some enjoy incorporating pain, others focus on the emotional and psychological aspects. It’s more about power exchange and trust than just pain.

Myth: Only “Weird” People Do D/s Sex

Truth: People from all walks of life enjoy D/s. Your neighbor, teacher, or barista might be into it. There’s no “type” when it comes to D/s enthusiasts.

Myth: D/s Sex is Dangerous and Abusive

Truth: When practiced safely, with consent and communication, D/s is not abusive. It’s based on mutual respect and care, ensuring both partners are comfortable and happy.

The Basics of D/s Play

We must understand some key ideas before we get into the specific practices. These ideas make D/s play fun and safe. Knowing safe words, impact play, inspection, and denial will help you and your partner set clear boundaries and build trust. These basics will guide you in creating a positive and exciting experience for both partners. Let’s explore each element in more detail.

1. Safe Words: Clear Communication

Safe words are very important in D/s play. They help keep boundaries and ensure both partners feel safe. A safe word is a word that either partner can say to stop the play immediately. Often, a traffic light system is used:

• Green: Everything is fine, and play can continue.
• Yellow: Slow down or check in; your partner may be reaching their limit.
• Red: Stop immediately; your partner needs to pause or end the play.

Safe words allow both partners to explore without fear of going too far. Using them shows respect for each other’s limits and keeps the experience enjoyable and safe. It can be useful to remind your partner about your safe word(s) before engaging in play.

2. Impact Play: Spanking and More

Impact play, like spanking, is a common part of D/s play. It involves striking the Submissive’s body with hands or tools like paddles, floggers or crops. This play can be light or intense, based on what both partners like. For safe and fun impact play, remember:

• Consent and Communication: First, discuss boundaries and preferences. Then, discuss what areas are okay to touch and what intensity is comfortable.
• Warm-Up: Start with gentle touches to warm up the skin and muscles. This helps prevent injury and makes the experience more enjoyable.
• Safe Areas: Stick to fleshy parts like the buttocks and thighs, avoiding sensitive areas like the lower back and kidneys. These areas can handle more impact without causing harm.
• Aftercare: Provide care and comfort after play. This might include gentle touch, hydration, and reassurance. Aftercare helps both partners feel safe and connected after an intense experience.

3. Inspection: A Close Connection

Inspection is when the Dominant examines the Submissive body, through looks and touches. This can be a strong act of intimacy, creating trust and vulnerability. During an inspection, the Dominant might:

• Check for Marks: Look for any bruises or injuries from previous play. This ensures the Submissive is safe and healthy.
• Admire the Submissive: Appreciate the Submissive’s body and any marks from play, making the Submissive feel valued and cherished.
• Find fault.  Perhaps the Dominant has asked the Submissive to assume a pose, and the Submissive’s pose is not quite right.  The Dominant may point out the fault.
• Communicate: Talk, give praise, or discuss any concerns. Open communication strengthens the bond and ensures both partners feel heard and respected.

4. Denial: Playing with Desire

Denial, or orgasm control, often prolongs arousal without allowing release. This can increase sexual desire and anticipation. Important points about denial include:

• Building Anticipation: Delaying an orgasm can make the final release more intense. The build-up of desire can improve the overall experience.
• Power Exchange: The Dominant’s control reinforces the D/s dynamic. It highlights the power difference in a consensual and enjoyable way.
• Trust: This play requires deep trust. It can cause strong emotional and physical reactions. Both partners need to feel safe and comfortable with the process.
• Time period: Short time periods, like a few minutes, tend to bring about less strong emotional reactions.  Long time periods, like a day, tend to bring about much stronger (and perhaps too strong) reactions.  It’s useful to start with short periods, and, if it works for both, move to longer periods over time.

Safety and Consent: The Core of D/s Play

Consent and communication are the foundation of any submissive and dominant sex. Partners should discuss their desires, limits, assumptions, and expectations beforehand. Creating a safe, open space for this talk is crucial. D/s play is about mutual enjoyment and connection. Both partners’ well-being should always come first.

How to Ensure Safety and Consent

• Pre-Play Discussion: Before starting any D/s play, have a detailed discussion. Talk about what you both want to try, any limits you have, and what you’re comfortable with.
• Regular Check-Ins: During play, regularly check in with each other. Ask how your partner feels and if they need to slow down or stop.
• Use Safe Words: Always use safe words and respect them. If someone says “Red,” stop immediately.
• Aftercare: After play, spend time together to wind down. This may involve cuddling, talking, or being close. Aftercare helps both partners feel secure and connected.

How to Get Started?

It can be difficult to know how to begin.  One approach which some find useful is to follow a script that has been worked out before play begins.  A sample script for the Dominant might include:

1. Review safe word(s) with your partner.
2. Strip your partner naked.  If you continue to wear clothes while the Submissive is naked, the difference tends to help the Submissive feel the change in power.  Getting naked in this way can be an introduction to play time.
3. Pose your partner in an Inspection Pose.  One such pose is: stand straight, eyes forward, feet shoulder-width apart, toes pointing forward, arms clasping forearms behind, chest thrust out.
4. Inspect your partner.  Run your hands over your partner’s skin, and body parts.  Caress, as you like.  Compliment what you see and touch.  Perhaps find one small fault – perhaps your partner’s toes are not pointing forward.   (Later, during after care, ask how your partner felt when you found fault).
5. Pose your partner in a Spanking Pose. One such pose is: from a standing position (like the Inspection Pose), lean over, keeping the legs straight.  Feet shoulder-width apart.  Clasp ankles or shins.  Toes pointing slightly outwards.  Butt thrust out.
6. Spank your partner on their butt.  Start off with small, light smacks, but work towards spanks that cause your partner to whimper, if not cry.  Move the spanks around the butt, so you are not striking the same place over and over.  Give ten spanks in total, with the hardest ones coming at the end.
7. Praise your partner for taking the spanks without complaint, assuming there was no complaint.  Give your partner a hug.
8. Test your partner for arousal.  For a woman partner, gently insert your washed finger into her vagina, and test for wetness.  Pay attention to her nipples, and other signs of arousal to see if her arousal has increased since the spanking began.  For a man partner, touch his penis, feeling if it has hardened since the spanking began.  If arousal is present, that is an indication that the spanking has been enjoyed, despite the pain.
9. Sit on a chair or on a bed, and have your partner sit on the floor in front of you.  Direct your partner to masturbate for you.  Provide your partner with at least some specific directions: where and how to touch (slowly, gentle … faster, hard).
10. Ask your partner if your partner would object to asking for permission to orgasm.  Some do not want to ask permission.  Others love the idea of having their orgasms controlled.
11. If your partner did not object, tell your partner that they need to ask permission to orgasm.  Deny permission once or twice.  Tell your partner that they can ask for permission again immediately after being denied.
12. Assuming your partner orgasms, tell them how pleased you are that they orgasmed for you.
13. Ask your partner to pay attention to you: giving you oral, for example, if you like that. 
14. Thank them and praise them whether or not you orgasm from their actions.
15. Cuddle, and talk about what has just happened.  Ask open ended questions like, “How could this have been better?” and “What three things did you particularly enjoy and why?”

It’s important for the Submissive to have a good first experience.  This is why so much of this script is devoted to what the Submissive is doing and feeling.

Wrapping Up

Dominance and submission can be an exciting way to explore intimacy and trust in a relationship. Safe words, impact play, inspection, and denial can deepen partners’ connection. They can also explore new parts of their sexuality. Always prioritize consent, communication, and care, and D/s play can add a thrilling dimension to your intimate life.