You Deserve Pleasure: Embracing Female Orgasms

Okay, ladies, this might be a sensitive subject, but… have you ever had an orgasm and felt guilty about it? Or have you done something sexual for your partner that they asked for, but then didn’t ask for something yourself, even though you knew it would feel REALLY good? Or given a blow job without being asked, and then expected nothing in return?  

If this sounds like you, you aren’t alone. In almost all cultures and societies, we women tend to believe that we don’t deserve sexual pleasure. Or if we have a male partner, we tend to believe our need for sexual pleasure is less important than our partner’s need. Our cultures celebrate men who seek out sexual pleasure – “He’s such a stud!” – but shame women who do the same – “She’s such a slut!”

No wonder we, as women, feel guilt and shame for our desires.  No wonder we don’t voice these desires.  Why would we? We absorb so many messages that our pleasure is unimportant. Even when we might talk about partners and sex with close friends, it’s still often hard to talk about our needs with those same partners. 

These feelings and thoughts of guilt and shame often come from what society, culture, religion – and our internal thoughts – tell us. 

So, do you deserve sexual pleasure? Most definitely! You deserve to enjoy such pleasure without fear of judgment. And at the time of release, you should have the freedom to shout “YES!” or express yourself in some other way.

Understanding and overcoming these feelings is important. It helps you have a healthy relationship with your body and sexuality. This article will give tips to help women embrace their right to pleasure. It will also clear up myths about female sexuality and explain why many of us have negative feelings surrounding our own pleasure

Understanding the Myths

The Male Orgasm Model

One big myth is that the male orgasm model is the only model. For men, arousal occurs in a short period of time – little or no foreplay is often required.  And an orgasm is usually a short burst of pleasure followed by a period where they can’t have another erection or orgasm. Men often are quiet during orgasm, feeling little need to be vocal. And, as we all know, many men often lose interest in doing anything sexual after they orgasm.  

When we only know of the male model, we may accept that ‘normal’ sex is short on foreplay, lasts a few minutes, and has the objective of a single orgasm. We may accept that silence during sex is the norm.  Accepting this might stop us women from discovering, exploring, and embracing our own pleasure.

The Female Orgasm Model

Unlike most men, we women often need time for foreplay to be aroused. And we can typically have multiple orgasms without needing a break. This means we can experience pleasure repeatedly, and for extended periods of time. 

We’re often quite vocal during orgasm.  We often report feeling our orgasms are more pleasurable when we’re moaning or even yelling or screaming. -And, a lot of women maintain an interest in additional sexual activities after we orgasm.  

These two models are quite different.  If all you know is the male model, it’s only natural that you would expect sex to follow that model. But knowing that our experiences can be quite different from men’s is the key to overcoming guilt or feelings of unworthiness.

Why Women Might Feel They Don’t Deserve Pleasure

Societal and Cultural Influences

•   Sexual Shame: Many cultures teach that women’s sexuality should be controlled or hidden, leading to feelings of shame and guilt.
•   Religious Beliefs: Some religions say that sexual pleasure is wrong. This may cause inner conflict for women who want to enjoy their bodies.
•   Gender Roles: A traditional role for a woman often calls for putting others’ needs first. If you are caught up in a such a role, you will tend to emphasize your partner’s needs over your own pleasure.

Personal Insecurities

•   Body Image Issues: Not liking your body can make you feel it’s not worth giving pleasure to.
•   Past Trauma: Sexual abuse or trauma can cause deep feelings of unworthiness and fear about sexual pleasure.
•   Low Self-Esteem: Low self-esteem can extend to sexual self-worth, making it hard to feel deserving of pleasure.

Tips for Overcoming Feelings of Unworthiness

Educate Yourself

•   Learn About Female Sexuality: Learn how female sexual pleasure works. Understanding your body can make the experience less mysterious and more empowering.
•   Read Positive Resources: Look for books, articles, and videos that promote a positive view of female sexuality. Along with the articles found here on SOFSS, other resources like “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski can be helpful.
•   Practice the SOFSS techniques: These techniques are designed to help overcome these feelings. The patient, straightforward instructions help lessen the self-judgment you might otherwise feel. Notice when these feelings of unworthiness appear so you can recognize and reframe your mindset. 

Many women feel especially undeserving soon after their first orgasm. “Do I deserve all this pleasure?” is a question we women commonly ask when we experience a new, more intense form of pleasure or a longer period of pleasure. We might ask ourselves this same question after experiencing our first multiple orgasms, first overlapping orgasms, and first long series of overlapping orgasms. At each juncture, as we experience new, higher levels of pleasure, we may grapple with feeling unworthy of that pleasure. “Is this OK?  Is it OK to have so much pleasure?”

Our methods involve repetition and practice, which we call homework.Through repetition, you gradually begin to accept that intense pleasure is normal and acceptable. You deserve the pleasure you experience. This acceptance is accumulative, and you tend to be able to embrace pleasure more readily with each practice session.

Challenge Negative Beliefs

•   Reframe Your Thoughts: When you have negative thoughts, challenge them with positive ones. Remind yourself that your body is made for pleasure and that it is a natural, healthy part of life.
•   Seek Therapy: If past traumas or deep beliefs affect your ability to enjoy pleasure, see a therapist who specializes in sexual health.

Create a Safe and Comfortable Environment

•   Set the Mood: Create a relaxing space where you can focus on your body without distractions. Use soft lighting, comfy bedding, and calming music.
•   Use Lubrication: To ensure comfort and enhance sensation, use a good lubricant. This can reduce unwanted friction and make the experience more enjoyable.

Practice Mindfulness

•   Focus on Sensations: Pay close attention to the physical sensations you feel during arousal and orgasm. This can help you stay present and reduce feelings of guilt.
•   Change Your Breathing: Deep, slow breathing can help you relax and stay connected to your body. Try to sync your breath with your movements.

Explore Without Pressure

•   Take Your Time: Don’t rush to reach orgasm. Spend time exploring your body and finding what feels good. This can reduce pressure and increase enjoyment.
•   Experiment with Techniques: Try different techniques and toys to see what you enjoy most. This can make pleasuring yourself feel like a fun discovery rather than a task. While you are at it, take a look at SofSS’s techniques.

Normalize the Experience

•   Talk About It: If you feel comfortable, discuss your concerns with trusted friends or partners. Sharing can help normalize your thoughts about pleasure, as you become aware of how common these issues are. Understanding that your fears and views are shared can help reduce feelings of shame.
•   Join Sexual Health Communities: Online forums and support groups can give a sense of community and shared understanding.

Conclusion

You can overcome feelings of being unworthy of sexual pleasure. To do this, you may need to understand and challenge deeply held beliefs. You also may need to educate yourself and practice self-compassion. Validating female pleasure helps us women reclaim our sexuality and enjoy the full sexual potential of our bodies. Remember, orgasms are natural and healthy. They are empowering acts that every woman deserves to experience without guilt. Embrace your right to pleasure and celebrate your body for the amazing vessel it is.