Let’s talk orgasms. With something so basic to sexual pleasure, everyone knows the facts, right? Well, no. The topic of orgasms comes with many myths and misconceptions. You might hear different things from friends, read conflicting opinions online, and see wildly unrealistic portrayals on TV: “This woman can squirt the length of a football field!”
It’s easy to get confused with all the mixed messages out there. But don’t worry, we’re here to clear up these myths and help you understand the facts about orgasms. By getting to the truth, we can better enjoy this natural part of being human. Plus, breaking down these myths can take away some unnecessary pressure.
So, let’s dive in and explore the facts about orgasms together.
Myth 1: Everyone should have an orgasm every time they have sex.
Fact: Not everyone has an orgasm every time they’re sexually aroused, and that’s normal. Thinking that an orgasm must happen each time sex occurs can create stress. Enjoying time with your partner is also important. Some of the best sex doesn’t end with an orgasm, but with a deep connection and shared pleasure.
That said, “… the most important single predictor of sexual satisfaction for women is clearly the orgasm”, according to national surveys in Finland. Kontula, O, and Miettinen, A, “Determinants of female sexual orgasms”, 2016. And since orgasms are so important, it does make sense to consider how to have more of them.
There are several ways to increase the likelihood of you having an orgasm during sex. The most important way, according to those same national surveys in Finland, is to value our orgasms as much as we value the orgasms of our (male) partners. For women who did not consider their orgasms very important, the researchers found that only 11% experienced orgasms always or almost always during lovemaking. But for women who considered their orgasms to be very important, a whopping 87% experienced orgasms always or almost always during lovemaking.
Sure, it’s good to treat our partner well. But don’t we deserve to be treated equally well? Don’t our orgasms count as much as those of our male partners?
Myth 2: Women take longer to orgasm than men.
Fact: It’s not always true that women take longer to orgasm than men. The time to reach orgasm depends on many things, like what kind of touch they prefer, how they feel emotionally, and how relaxed they are. Some women orgasm quickly, others take longer, and both are fine. Everyone’s body is different, and there’s no “one-size-fits-all” for the length of time it takes.
When we explore our bodies, and learn what arouses us, and what brings us to higher heights, we may be able to use this information to reduce the time to orgasm, if we choose. Solo sex (masturbation), is an excellent way to explore. During solo sex, there is no pressure to perform, and no pressure to orgasm more quickly.
Myth 3: All women can orgasm from penetration alone.
Fact: In one study, 37% of women reported that they never experienced orgasm from penetration alone. But only 14% of women reported that they never experienced orgasm when clitoral stimulation was added during penetration.
So, what would you say toa girlfriend who asked you for advice about having sex for the first time with a new male partner? Would you suggest that she ask for clitoral stimulation during penetration? It does seem like that would be good advice!
Of the 37% of women who reported never experiencing orgasm from penetration alone, 87% reported that they did orgasm on occasion when clitoral stimulation was added during penetration.
Does adding clitoral stimulation during penetration guarantee an orgasm? No. But it makes an orgasm more likely. Why not experiment with adding clitoral stimulation if you are not experiencing orgasm during penetration? “Hey partner! Let’s try something new!”
Myth 4: Men always want to orgasm quickly.
Fact: Not all men want to orgasm quickly. Also, even if a man sometimes wants to orgasm quickly (“Let’s have a quickie!”), at other times, that same man may want to slow down. He may want to enjoy taking his time, feeling out your erogenous zones, and prolonging the experience.
Some men put a priority on the pleasure of their partners. This can make the sexual experience more enjoyable for both partners. A slow build-up and a longer period in a heightened state of arousal can add to the pleasure, making the entire experience more rewarding.
Myth 5: Women who experience multiple orgasms are rare.
Fact: Different studies have arrived at different estimates regarding the number of women who have multiple orgasms. But such women are not rare.
Sex researcher Alfred Kinsey reported in 1953 that 14% of the women he surveyed reported that they had multiple orgasms. [footnote: as reported by Michael Castleman, in his article dated September 15, 2021 in “Psychology Today”. But other more recent studies have found larger percentages of women who have reported experiencing multiples at some point.
Most women who experience multiple orgasms have done so after learning by themselves, through masturbation. But what if you have not learned, even after repeated attempts? Will you never experience multiples?
We believe that almost all women who can give themselves an orgasm can learn to give themselves multiples. Our free techniques have proven that multiple orgasms and other types of long-lasting, intense orgasms are achievable for almost all such women. And these techniques take just minutes to learn.
Myth 6: If you don’t orgasm, you’re not attracted to your partner.
Fact: Not having an orgasm doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to your partner. Many things can affect the ability to orgasm, like stress, being tired, and certain medications. Physical attraction is just one part of the equation; emotional and mental states play a huge role, too.
If you tend not to have orgasms during PIV (penis in vagina) sex, you may want to explore different positions that are more stimulating to the clitoris or another erogenous zone. The coital alignment technique (“CAT”) is one such position.
Further, researchers have found that longer love-making sessions, taking your time and letting arousal build, are more apt to lead to orgasms during PIV sex. A quick pounding may feel good, but for many women, may not lead to an orgasm. A longer, sensual build up before PIV sex begins is more likely to get you there! Finally, clitoral stimulation during PIV sex, whether with fingers or with a toy, can often help you get there!
One more thing – if you are able to orgasm on your own, but not with your partner, you may be having intrusive thoughts that only arise when you are with your partner. These could be thoughts related to body image issues, whether you are ‘doing it right’ or if he actually liked you dressed up in that naughty nurse costume.
Focusing on your heartbeat can help dispel such thoughts. Having your partner keep up a constant monologue can, too. (“You have a beautiful body … I am so very attracted to you … you make me feel so good … you looked great in that nurse costume …”)
If you are subject to intrusive thoughts during partnered sex, there is quite a bit written about mindfulness during sex. For example, Dr. Lori Brotto has written a well regarded book on the subject, “Better Sex Through Mindfulness”.
Myth 7: Only young people have great orgasms.
Fact: People of all ages can have enjoyable and satisfying orgasms. As we get older, we often learn more about our bodies and what we like, which can make our experiences even better. Many have increased sexual satisfaction the older they get, because they gain more confidence and understanding
For example, women in their 60s have learned our techniques, gaining the skills for more intense, longer, and more satisfying orgasms.
Myth 8: Orgasms are the same for everyone.
Fact: Orgasms can be very different for each person and can vary from one time to the next. Some might feel very intense, while others are more gentle. What matters most is that the experience is enjoyable. There’s no right or wrong way to have an orgasm, and each one can bring a new sensation or discovery.
Some things about orgasms do tend to be the same for many, if not everyone. Clitoral orgasms tend to be shorter, and spikier. G-spot orgasms tend to be longer, and ‘rounder’. Also, for those who enjoy multiple orgasms, as the frequency of those orgasms increase, so does the intensity.
Myth 9: Orgasms fix all sexual problems.
Fact: Orgasms feel great, but they don’t solve all sexual or relationship issues. Problems like different sex drives or communication issues need more than just physical solutions. Talking openly and sometimes seeking professional help can be necessary. True intimacy comes from emotional connection, not just physical satisfaction.
Myth 10: You are a freak if you have to work for an orgasm.
Fact: For many people, reaching orgasm takes some effort and understanding of their own bodies. It might take time to figure out the best kind of touch and the right mood. Being patient and curious about your body is important. Learning what works best for you can enhance the overall experience and make reaching orgasm more frequent.
Tips for Having Better Orgasms
Now that we’ve busted some myths, here are some tips to make orgasms better:
1. Talk to Your Partner
Sharing what you like and don’t like can help make the experience better for both of you. Good communication is key. Remember, it’s not just about the destination. Talking about what you enjoy can make the journey more fun and connected.
2. Try Different Types of Touch
Experiment with different kinds of touch to see what feels best. This could include touching different parts of your body in different ways. The more you explore, the more you’ll learn about what brings the most pleasure, and you may discover new turn-ons.
3. Focus on Foreplay
Foreplay (kissing, touching, etc.) is an important part of the sexual experience. It helps build excitement and can make orgasms easier to reach. Enjoy the build-up without rushing to the finish line. It can enhance both the orgasm and the overall experience.
4. Relax and Reduce Stress
Being stressed or anxious can make it harder to orgasm. Try to relax and create a calm environment. Relaxing isn’t just about your body—clearing your mind can make a huge difference in how your body responds to pleasure. Do you really want to be thinking about your grocery list when you are getting down to business?
5. Use Sex Toys
Sex toys can add new sensations and make orgasms easier to achieve. Don’t be afraid to try them out. They can be fun additions to both solo and partnered sex, bringing variety and heightened pleasure.
6. Be Patient
It can take time to learn what feels best for you. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Enjoy the journey. Orgasm isn’t a race, and often taking your time can lead to more fulfilling sexual experiences.
7. Learn About Your Body
Solo masturbation is a healthy way to learn about your body and what brings you pleasure. Masturbating with your partner can provide the same benefits. Whether solo or with your partner, masturbation can help you communicate your needs and what works for you to your partner. The more you know about what works for you, the easier it will be to guide your partner in the right direction.
8. Stay Healthy
Taking care of your body by eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep can improve your sexual experiences. Feeling good physically can make a huge difference in your sexual response and enjoyment.
Myths Busted!
Orgasms are a fun and natural part of human sexuality, but they are often misunderstood. By learning the facts and debunking myths, we can have better experiences and stronger connections with our partners.
Remember, everyone’s journey to orgasm is unique. Take your time, communicate, and enjoy the process. It’s all about pleasure, connection, and understanding your own body.
0 Comments