“Mmm … Talk dirty to me ;)”
That’s all it took; just a few little words and a wink emoji to bring a fun and flirty conversation to a grinding halt. It’s not that I was offended or anything. I was just frozen in fear.
Talk dirty to me?
I tried to think of how to respond. What do I say to this man, a friend of a friend who slid into my DMs a few months ago and proceeded to sweep me off of my feet one sweet conversation at a time? Do I just… start talking?
He was my first attempt at connecting romantically since my breakup, and it was going great so far. We progressed from small talk about our jobs or the weather to talking about everything for hours via Facetime, phone, and text. You know, not moving too fast. It’s just a nice and natural progression from “Getting to know you” to wanting to know everything.
I quickly scrolled back through our current conversation, looking for something, anything, that I could grab onto. I was talking about his beautiful, deep, dark eyes. He has the kind of eyes you could fall into and lose yourself. I’d told him I fell asleep last night thinking about them, about him.
Suddenly, another message popped up, this one just a single “?”.
Anxiety swelled up inside of me. I was glad he couldn’t see me right now; I must have looked like a scared bunny. Nervously, I began to type, stopped, backspaced, and started again. Every word that appeared on my screen seemed more stupid than the one before.
How do other women do this? My friends seemed to have no trouble flirting, teasing, or sexting. I’ve always wanted to be the spontaneous, sensual woman I was on the inside.
I remembered the one time I tried to spice things up with an old fling. I’d tried to whisper sexual fantasies in his ear and how hot he made me feel, to tell him what I wanted to do to him. He didn’t say, “Mmm …Talk dirty to me.” Instead, he pulled his head back and gave me this disgusted look that said, “Where did that come from?”
I was Silent Sarah after that.
Several more question marks appeared on my screen, followed by “Are you still there?”
“Yes,” I typed back. “I just got lost remembering the dream I had about you last night.”
I immediately regretted that. I just knew he was going to want details, and I had no idea what to say.
As if on cue, he responded with, “Really? Was it as hot as the dream I had about you?”
I started to say, “I don’t know. Tell me yours, and we’ll compare notes.” Instead, I panicked and said, “Hold that thought, my boss just walked in.”
I quickly closed the message tab before he could respond and sat for a minute, feeling lost, feeling inadequate, feeling stupid. I didn’t want to be Silent Sarah or Stupid Sarah anymore. I want to be Sexy Sarah, who could talk dirty to a man I wanted and tell him what I wanted with confidence.
But, how?
Flirting isn’t something that comes naturally to me. I’m not the type to make the first move, and I’ve never felt comfortable saying what I want or how I feel. I just go with the flow and settle.
I felt embarrassed about asking my friends what I should do. So, I turned to my old, more anonymous friend, Google, and typed “How to talk dirty” into the search bar.
Within fractions of a second, Google came through with hundreds of results, and down the rabbit hole I went.
Here’s what I learned and finally gained the confidence to put into practice:
First, don’t be afraid to take it slow, especially if it’s something new. Dirty talk isn’t a science, and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. It’s about what you’re feeling in the moment, sharing it with someone you’re close to, or want to be closer to, and your comfort level.
Second, it’s about confidence, but it’s also about consent. Both parties should be on the same page and receptive. If it helps, frame your dirty talk into questions like “Do you like it when I nibble your ear?” or statements like, “I love it when you pull my hair.”
You also have to lay the foundation. While I was flirting during that “talk dirty to me” session, he took it from 0 to 60 too fast, which caught me off guard.
Don’t jump straight from “You have beautiful eyes” to “I want to rip your clothes off and slam you against the wall.” Ease into it. You can take it anywhere you both feel comfortable once the table is set.
The best dirty talk stems naturally from whatever is happening, whether you shout out a single word like “Yes!” or whisper, “Baby, do that again. It feels so good.”
In the end, talking dirty is one way to create an intimate connection with someone or deepen an existing connection. It allows you to share feelings and fantasies, whether through the safety of an SMS text message or in the heat of the moment in bed.
Practice by putting your thoughts and needs into words, for your eyes only, until you feel confident enough to share them with that special someone.
In the end, I told my now-boyfriend the truth. He caught me off guard, and I wasn’t ready to go where he wanted to lead at that moment. It led to deeper, more honest conversations and a connection that just gets better by the day.
Gain sexual confidence
The techniques offered by Secrets of Sensual Sex guide you through self-exploration, giving you a platform to experiment free from outside judgment. They help you become more in touch with your sexuality, which can also help you build the confidence you need to put your thoughts and desires into words and actions. Start with the warmup exercise, and learn the Secrets of Sensual Sex!
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